At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
