Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
