Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
