So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize