dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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