Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
