Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
