Where did you get a picture of my penis
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
