this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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