last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
