yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
