Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
