You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
