grandma shit on top of the toilet
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
