This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
