Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
