my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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