my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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