11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
