it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I had to cum in my sink.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize