"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
