that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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