We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
