I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
