I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
