Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
