does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
