I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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