It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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