If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
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