My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
