My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
