I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
