The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
