I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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