I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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