I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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