I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
