At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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