I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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