If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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