I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
