The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
