Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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