God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize