I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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