I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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