I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
