it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
