Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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