i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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