Im at strip club and am horny
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
