i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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