I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
