Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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