Your dad touched me again.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I need a beard to bite.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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