Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize