How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
