I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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