Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
