I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
