cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
