you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
