dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
