So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
