Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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