he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
