plz talk dirty to me
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
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