Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
